Capture Your Grief - Day 3: Myths

There are so many myths surrounding grief - some are myths perpetuated by society and those around us offering their own perspective on what grief 'SHOULD' look like... but many are myths we create ourselves which may or may not be helpful to our journey. I could try to list them... that there is a specific process and stages you will experience, that it will take a certain amount of time for you to 'bounce back', that you shouldn't smile or find humour in any aspect of life during the grieving process, that if you fail to remember your baby EVERY waking moment there is something wrong with you..... I could go on and on and on... but the truth is that GRIEF is different for every single person and what my experience of grief is will be very different from yours, although we may share some common feelings.

One of my own personal myths - created by my own perceptions and ideals - has been that I needed to remember every little detail about that single moment in time when Mikaila was born. I needed to remember every single detail about her.

But the truth is TIME DOES NOT STAND STILL... time is fluid and flowing and continues to move regardless of what we are feeling or doing or being.

What I have come to realise over the years is that memory fades. Those moments in time that have tremendous impact on us will stay with us and remain much clearer and stronger than many others, but they do fade... and that's ok. I still remember the most important parts of that moment. The love and heartbreak, the anticipation, the hope and the utter devastation and emptiness that followed...

The details are no longer so important to me... Mikaila lives in my heart, she always will, just as my 4 living children do. Time - no matter how much of it passes - will never change THAT detail.

Capture Your Grief - Day 2: Identity

The dictionary defines Identity as "the individual characteristics by which a person or thing is recognised"...

My memories of Mikaila are what I hold in my mind as her Identity... her masses of dark, soft hair... her pale skin and her dark ruby lips... her long, thin arms and legs, and long fingers with tiny fingernails...

Had she survived, these would no longer be her Identity...

She would have grown, learned, changed over time, and would now be a young woman making her own individual mark on the world.

I often wonder what she would be like. What would she look like? Would she still have the dark hair she had at birth or would it have changed? Would she be outgoing, confident or sporty? Or would she be a quiet, studious and academically minded young lady?

Given that her brothers and sisters all have their own unique looks and personalities that, although at times hold glimpses of their siblings, are usually all very individual, it is difficult to tell whether Mikaila would be like any of them.

I only have my imagination to create an Identity for who I think she might have become... There is no way to tell whether I am right in my guessing.

This figurine represents the Unknown Identity of who Mikaila might have grown into... a young lady, but without defined features or personality... leaving these things purely to imagination and personal assumptions. But a divine being who holds the essence of all things within them.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month - October 2013

Welcome to October... summer is well on it's way with temperatures this week reaching over 30 degrees, and the usual spring wind is blowing away the cobwebs of winter!

You may or may not be aware that October is the 'official' month for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness... and over at Carly Marie Project Heal there is the opportunity to Capture Your Grief with a 31 day photographic challenge. You can also view all the images on the Capture Your Grief Facebook page.

I am very proud to share in this journey and represent what Infant Loss means to me through photographs in the hope that everyone will share with others. The more awareness we raise, the less ALONE people will feel during the days, months and years following the loss of their baby.

Why is this project and raising awareness so important to me?

15 years, 8 months and 2 days ago I gave birth to my first child. I was 2 days overdue, but had been at the hospital for a check up just the day before and everything was all as it should be. They talked about me coming back the following week if nothing had happened and the possibilities of induction.
That night I went into labour and being a first baby had NO IDEA what I was supposed to do! I waited it out at home as long as I could and at 6am on the 29th January I went to hospital...

During the routine checks there was a buzz of confusion and hushed talk... doctors were brought in, monitors brought in, my waters broken and monitors attached to the baby... and then the confirmation that my baby had died.

The rest of the day is a blur of doctors, midwives, emotions and family coming to visit... and the enduring hope that maybe, just maybe someone had got it wrong.

At 9.15pm on 29th January 1998, Mikaila Jane Willson was born - sleeping. The silence was deafening, the anticipation for a cry that never came, and then the hours afterwards holding her in my arms knowing this would be the only time I would get to hold her.

That was the beginning of a completely new life for me... nothing would ever be the same. I would never be the same. And there will always be a hole in my life that can never be filled...

Grief is a journey. It is a process. And it is ongoing.

Although almost 16years have passed, I still grieve. It's true that time heals and my grieving is now different to what it was in the early years. But where there is a wound, there is always a scar. It heals, yes, but it is never what it was before.

So it is with great honour that I am joining the Capture Your Grief photography challenge for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, sharing my own personal journey with you all. Hopefully it will help someone to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

DAY 1: SUNRISE!

There is something so very special about this time of day... something that symbolises Hope and New Beginnings perhaps. I couldn't get out this morning - but this is one I took a few months ago...