Capture Your Grief - Day 11: Triggers...

In the early days after losing Mikaila there were SO MANY triggers for my grief.

Leaving her alone in the hospital room and getting into our car to go home was the first... the car that had the capsule installed ready to take her home in.

Her nursery was set up ready for her to come home to - and she never did. It was a constant reminder of what SHOULD have been and never would.

Pregnant women at the shopping centre and newborn babies seemed to be EVERYWHERE!!!

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law had their first baby a few months later - it was a genuine struggle for me to attend the baby's christening... one of the hardest days of my life.

Gradually I noticed that things triggered my emotions less often, nor as deeply. Sometimes a song, or a photo would send me plummeting, but it became easier to manage.

Realising that the name we had chosen for our second child - James - means The Supplanter, or 'He who replaces another', was a massive trigger and even now it gives me goose bumps to think that we chose THAT name before knowing what it meant.

NOW...
There are still triggers...

Looking through photographs of the day Mikaila was born and noticing the extreme pain on the faces in those pictures makes me relive that same pain.

Seeing Mikaila's roses blooming, white butterflies, and reading/hearing of other people's stories are all things that make me feel that empty ache...

Christmas is a big one - and although Mikaila is included every year in some way, it is never ever going to be what it could have been...

My birthday has a much bigger impact.

That was the day I went into labour and Mikaila was born the following day.
That was the day the Doctor told me all was going just fine (even though her heartbeat was 'too fast to count'!!!) and sent me home with a kick-chart to begin filling out.
That was the day I made the decision to start filling it out the following day.
That was the day I made the choice to stay at home for the majority of my labour.
That is the day I have often wished I could relive over again and do differently...

Obviously Mikaila's birthday is a trigger. Each year these are probably the hardest two days of the year... these are the days I am acutely aware of what time it is and where I was on that day in 1998.

But even these days have become easier and less painful over the years and instead of being completely paralysed with grief at these times I am now able to spend them in quiet reflection and I sit with the pain a lot more easily. I am ok with the pain. It is less intense, more of a dull ache, a longing and nostalgia, rather than debilitating agony.

Those who know me and spend time with me on these days are probably aware that I am a little quiet, but anyone who has never known my story would probably not even notice my grief on these days anymore.