Catching up on Capture Your Grief - Days 5 to 10...

Day 5 - memory... All I have of Mikaila are memories. I remember the way she kicked under my ribs as I sat in the car every day at the same time on the way home from work, how her hair felt so soft against my lips, her smell, and the softness of her skin... I have her blanket that she was wrapped in for the 12 hours that i held her after she was born and now - almost 15yrs later - I can still put it against my face and feel her there with me again... Memories are so so important... They are what we hold on to and keep with us every day that our babies are not!

 

Day 6 - Ritual...
Every year on January 29... The day after my own birthday.... We celebrate Mikaila's birthday by baking a cake, decorating it, lighting candles and singing Happy Biirthday. All the kids blow out her candles for her and cut the cake together.
She is a member of our family and her birthday is just as important as all the others.
She also receives (or I do on her behalf) a gift... A charm for my bracelet, a flower, an ornament - something small that is representative of her, her time with us, or where she would be in her life at that stage or age.
Rituals are an important part of remembering and keeping our babies spirits alive within us

 

 

 

Day 7 - You Now... (I am catching up from being away for the long weekend!)
If I had to only choose 1 word to describe me now it would be RESILIENT...
To describe who I am now would take so much more than a word.... I could probably write a whole book... But that one word is really what is most important about my journey as a mother of 6 (I have focused on the loss of Mikaila during this but I also lost my 4th baby early in my pregnancy - at about 8/9weeks who I named Joey) so I am a mother of 6!

Day 8 - Colour...
Mikaila's lips when she was born were a deep rose pink. Over the 12 hours I spent with her they gradually turned a dark ruby red and by the time of her funeral a week later they were black. When I think of her colour I think of those deep rose pink lips - and the flower that was brought into hospital for her.

Day 9 - Music... Dante's Prayer by Loreena McKennitt is the song we played at Mikaila's funeral and one that still makes my heart ache... There is absolutely no doubt that I will ALWAYS remember you my angel xx

 Day 10 - Beliefs...
I have never been a 'religious' person, but I have ALWAYS been a spiritual person and I cannot accept that death is the end.
To me the Divine, God, Universal Energy are all one and the same - and EVERYTHING is made from this same source.
Whether I am looking at a tree, or a bird, or the clouds in the sky, a butterfly or a flower I know that Mikaila is alive. How can she not be? Her body may not be here on this earth anymore, but the energy, the life-force, the spirit that she is continues to live... she is a part of everything as much as any of us are.
The rose in the photo is the latest one to bloom on the rose bush that was given to her Dad and I on the day of her funeral... To me it symbolises just how she continues to live... and grow... and shine... and also that beautiful things not only 'can' but DO flourish among the thorns of life!!!
I thank Mikaila for coming into my life and sharing her spirit with me so intimately and for the personal growth and awareness that comes from the journey I continue to travel...